Hello all and thank you for letting me join this community.
I want to start this by explaining I’m safe and I’m not in danger.
I’m about to turn 40 this year and throughout my life I’ve been drawn to nature and wildlife. I seem to have a natural ability to bound and understand all animals just by observing them. I can seem to be friend animals better than people. As a child my mother said I would talk to animals everywhere I went.
This connection with animals and nature eventually drove me to complete a degree in Ecology and conservation. I was then diagnosed as AuDHD a year ago and since then I’ve been working through a lot in therapy and I’m now about to start trauma therapy for my CPTSD.
For the last two years I’ve been taking steps towards going public with my artwork, which I’ve been producing for myself as a kind of therapy to try and understand/process my stresses and trauma alone. In these two years I’ve suddenly become more aware of my instincts and certain sensations I used to feel when I was younger, but had repressed or covered up due to my autistic masking.
That brings me to my current situation. I’m dreaming the strange dreams again, I’m seeing signs in nature and animals have started gravitating towards me.
In my teenage years I took an interest in green witch practices. It felt familiar to me but more still, the underlying beliefs and rituals made sense. I can’t remember much from those years but I remember every night I’d practice being a ball of light and leaving my body. I remember the being given a name in my dreams but being told never to say that name and I remember that certain animals would help guide me.
The reason I first looked into witchcraft was I kept having strange dreams. I’d dream about peoples pets and them dying, only for a few days later this pets would indeed die. It became so frequent that I started painting pet portraits for free to friends and family because I knew they would need it. But when I left home at 15, I stopped my investigation into witchcraft and I stopped painting for 15 years.
So now I’m painting again, I’m focusing more on sharing my emotional journey in my artwork and trying to communicate a message about that wildlife and nature can’t communicate itself. I’m working on my first ever collection and it’s very powerful. Yet, whilst working on that collection, someone approached me to do a pet portrait. I’d not done one for so long but after talking to her and understanding her story, I agreed. The painting came out perfectly and they loved it. However, I had a ominous feeling whilst painting it. When I delivered the painting, I met the dogs in person. They were wonderful and we instantly connected. But one of them kept lingering with me. I could see something in her eyes that felt strange. Two nights later, I dreamt that dog had died. 5 days after that and the owner contacted me to say the doc had been in an accident and needed to be put down.
I felt sick to my stomach. I’m left feeling extremely confused and worried.
Weirder still, I’ve been fighting a terrible Ecological injustice for the last two years. A woodland next to my home, that was a sanctuary for hundreds of protected and strictly protected species, was cut down and destroyed because of in proper administration and in my Opinion, corruption within the local offices involved because of who purchased the property. No matter who I turn to for help to fight this, no one has the time, staff or funding to take the action that’s needed. Worse still, removal of the woodland has put everyone at risk of flooding. This situation has had a very negative impact on me. I’m desperately trying to create a shelter for the remaining wildlife, but so many have been killed and displaced. I’m grieving all the time from feeling nature and wildlife struggle.
But recently I’ve been feeling a terrible sense of dread. The animals seem restless and last night and owl almost flew directly at me as I stood in my garden doorway. The crows keep following and calling whenever I go out. And even my small dog keeps telling me to go into the garden and look for something.
Am I going insane? Should I be concerned? Is any of what I’m saying making any sense? Because I feel like I’m either mentally losing it or something is trying to give me a sign to do something but I have no idea what that is.
So I come to you to ask for help and guidance, even if it’s just to point me in the right direction. Because right now I’ve bought “the green witch” with the intention of reading it, but I don’t want to take that leap until I know it’s the right first step.